Settle down. It’s not the kind you roll in paper and smoke. It’s the kind that causes family feuds over who’s going to mow it. Only don’t mow it when it’s wet and only water it in the morning, never at night, which means you need to mow it at night, when it’s dry, and for God’s sake, don’t walk on it—and then there’s all the chemicals you need to apply to it to keep it green and weed free, which eats up another Saturday you could’ve otherwise spent biking with your family and money you could’ve spent on a trip to Mexico.

I don’t get it. Why is it so important to homeowners to have lush, green lawns? Its just grass! Even the name—“gr” and “ass” put together—tells you all you need to know about this high maintenance crop. I know, a few of you (probably guys) are thinking, Holy cow, what is she whining about? It’s not JUST grass for crying out loud! It’s an amazing expanse of green good enough to golf on and absolutely worth the time and money. What is she—some weird tree hugger? Yes, it has been suggested to me that I might like to hug trees, and to that I say: I’ve climbed several, planted many and cared for some, yet I’ve never actually hugged one. In fact, I wanted to say this very thing to my neighbor last year when, with a wave of his arm toward my front yard, he said, “Why don’t you do something about your Grass.”

He has the lushest, greenest lawn on our street. And he not only thinks I’m a tree-hugger, he thinks I’m lazy too.

For anyone reading this who doesn’t know me very well, telling me to do something is the best way to get me to not do it. Not that I’m not doing something. Technically, when I’m aware of the fact that I’m not doing something I consider that I am doing something because I’m not doing it deliberately. In the case of my neighbor, what I did was not touch the Grass. For about three weeks.

Now, before I continue I would like to preach…er, I mean point out:

1. Fertilizers cause algae blooms in our rivers and lakes, depriving aquatic life of oxygen and resulting in massive fish kills. In oceans, this is commonly referred to as “red tide.” Low amounts of fertilizers can actually build-up in aquatic life, which we eat and poison ourselves.

2. Weedkillers: Glyphosate is the most common ingredient in weedkiller products, and it is now being linked as the culprit for Autism and other chronic diseases. Anyone following the Monsanto case is probably aware of this.

3. Pesticides are, in one word, poison. The toxicity of any given pesticide is based on its LD (Lethal Dose) – a measure of the single dose required to kill fleas, or mosquitoes, or grubs (etc…the dosage increases with the size of the “pest”). But here’s the thing about pesticides: they are persistent. They never go away. They build up in our water supply where, every spring and fall, they get churned up in the Spring Turnover. Yep, it’s a real thing. All that warm and cold water mixing stirs up the stuff on the bottom of our lakes and rivers right into our faucets. Pesticides are linked to cancer, birth defects, liver and kidney damage, ect… (and by “ect…” I mean the long list of other stuff that can kill us).

Tree hugger rant done. Now back to my story.

Three weeks of not touching my Grass allowed it to grow just past my ankles since it’s not really Grass—it’s mostly clover. This infuriated my neighbor and, to be honest, raised a few eyebrows on my street. Why? Because not only is my clover considered an unacceptable alternative to Grass, especially when allowed to flower, but also all the lawns in the neighborhood were under siege by grubs and it was incumbent upon me to take up arms against this enemy. Aware of my love of trees, my neighbor pointed out that the grubs are the larvae of the Japanese beetle—an exotic pest that’s wreaking havoc on certain trees. I have an ash tree in my front yard.

What my neighbor doesn’t know is this: I don’t have grubs. The beetle needs loose, well irrigated ground to lay their eggs and, frankly, that’s not my yard.  Clover is a hardy, drought resistant plant that will grow just about anywhere, including my hard packed front yard. Grass on the other hand needs loose, rich soil that’s well irrigated and the roots are the favorite food for grubs, providing the perfect breeding ground. So, in their effort to keep their luxurious green lawns, my neighbors battle the beetle with pesticides all the while polluting their own water and food supplies.

So again I ask, why are North Americans so obsessed with having Grass? Plant clover.

For anyone who wants to read more about this potentially fatal past time, see the links below:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-fertilizers-harm-earth/

http://eartheasy.com/blog/2009/01/lawn-care-chemicals-how-toxic-are-they/

http://www.motherearthnews.com/nature-and-environment/roundup-weed-killer-zmaz09djzraw.aspx#axzz32qVVd0mr

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2013/06/09/monsanto-roundup-herbicide.aspx

https://www.google.ca/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=spring+turnover&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&gfe_rd=cr&ei=gISDU8baA-mM8Qe7m4GoAw